3-29-13 Smackdown results and thoughts

Coverage and thoughts on the March 29, 2013 episode of Smackdown

 The show starts with The Rock coming to the ring and he has a Hershey’s chocolate bar. He says that about a month ago on Raw he did a little thing called story time with The Rock. He figures story time should continue. He talked about being 15 and buying his first car from crack head (I remember that one) in down town Nashville. He thought it should continue now because at 15 Rock moved with his family from Nashville to a little town about an hour away from Hershey (where Smackdown is tonight), Bethlehem, PA. Rock was no ordinary 15 year old. He was 6’4 220 lbs & was rocking a very creepy mustache for some reason. Then he asks the fans if they wanna see a pic of him at 15. They cheer. He asks if they’re sure. The fans cheer again. Rock tells the guys in the truck to “Show the magic.” They show a pic of him at 15 on the Tron. He says he was Captain White shorts. Half black, half Samoan yet he some how looked like a bouncer from menudo (whatever that means). He tells the guys in the truck to take the pic off the screen. Then he says that one of the great benefits of living in Bethlehem, PA meant that he was about an hour away from a very special town. A town that he & his friends would come to on the weekend and they would go to a certain park. They’d ride some rides & he would eat much chocolate as he could. Every time he & friends used to go back to this town it was a magical feeling. This is why every time now when he comes back as a grown man that magical feeling takes him back to that time and this why he proudly stands in the ring and says, “Finally The Rock has come back to Hershey.” Rock loves coming to Hershey. He remembers one Saturday night he came to Hershey road rides and did everything he could, but there was one thing that he wanted. A Hershey’s Watchmacallit (Is this leading to something?) and he couldn’t get it. He went to different places & couldn’t find it. His friends were annoyed with him about it because they were teens and should’ve been getting beer (This promo is really meaningless) but Rock said, “We don’t drink beer.” Actually he might not have said that part. He said the only thing that he wanted was a whatchamacallit and then finally he found it (Yay) but before he grabbed it someone came by & grabbed it before he could (Boo). But something really special happened that night. Something historic happened that night because he said to that person that would change the course of history in WWE forever. He looked at that person & said to whoever it was, “If you don’t put down that candy I’m gonna kick your candy ass” (I knew that’s what he was getting at). Just like that the old lady put that candy down and got out of that store. The bottom line is that kicking your candy ass started right there in Hershey, PA. (Wow that was a lot of talk for how that saying came to be). He then says that a man will go to great lengths to get what he wants and that means getting his chocolate but it also means beating Cena at WrestleMania. Monday on Raw Cena got in his face & he kicked his candy ass. He knows that at WrestleMania Cena will come back with more passion & more fire than he’s ever had in his life but Rock will keep kicking his candy ass. Cena will step up to him with his jean shorts and his fruity pebbles but Rock will be kicking his candy ass. Not only will Rock do that on front of world at WrestleMania but he will do it in front of the millions…Then Johnny Ace’s music plays & he makes his return. Then they go to commercial break (This segment is going on so long that they needed to take a commercial break). Before I continue that whole first part of Rock’s promo was totally meaningless. Why was he spending all that time talking about how the phrase candy ass started before he got talking about his match at WrestleMania with Cena? He should have just been talking about what happened on Raw and what will happen at WrestleMania. If he wanted to plug the town he could have just done that for the fans in the arena. That didn’t need to be part of the show!

Back to the show & Johnny Ace is in the ring with Rock. Rock asks who in the blue hell Johnny is. Johnny asks if that’s a trick question. He says that Rock knows who he is. Everybody in WWE and the fans know who he is. His name is Johnny Ace (That’s what I’m calling him) & he is the former Executive VP of talent relations and the former GM for both Raw & Smackdown (and he’s still the king of boring). Rock says that Johnny has him confused with somebody who gives a crap (Does anybody really?). Johnny interrupted story time with The Rock (Not that that was any good either). Johnny says that his former adversary Teddy Long gave him permission to come out & talk to The Rock. He’ sure that Long & the fans think he came out there, talk too long (This whole segment is going on too long already) & end up getting Rock Bottomed. Johnny says that won’t happen because Rock & Johnny are a lot alike. Rock is the people’s champion & he created people power. He was the greatest GM WWE has ever seen till that was ruined by 1 man named John Cena. Cena’s the reason Ace was fired and Cena is also the reason that he is back. Rock tells Ace that if he doesn’t get to his point (Just like Rock didn’t get to hi right away) Cena will also be the reason Ace gets his Monkey ass kicked all over this arena. Ace says that his point is that at WrestleMania Cena will do whatever he has to to beat Rock. Johnny knows that & Rock knows that. Johnny has a business proposition for Rock. They’re both business men and Ace suggests that “Big Johnny” be in Rock’s corner. The fans might not like it but does Rock wanna be popular (He’s been popular for 15 years) or does he wanna win? Johnny says that Rock knows winning is everything at any cost. This is why with Johnny in Rock’s corner there is no way and Big Johnny says no way Cena will beat Rock at WrestleMania. With Ace in Rock’s corner he can guarantee Rock’s victory. They’re 2 great tastes that taste great together (That was corny). Rock says that since he is the people’s champion & Ace invented people power Rock thinks it’s only fitting that they involve the people. Then Rock asks the fans if they would like to see this stale old indigestible stick to the roof of your mouth till you wanna vomit piece of peanut butter team up with the most electrifying piece of chocolate the world has ever seen. Of course the fans boo. Rock says that it seems like the people have spoken. Then Rock says that he is a business man just like Ace & Rock has a business proposition for him. It’s not a Rock Bottom. How about Rock & Ace together send Cena a message. “Together like a peanut buttercup.” Ace likes that & asks Rock what he has in mind. Rock says that most important thing in a business deal is a handshake. They shake hands but Rock holds on & grips Ace’s hand and then gives him a spine buster. Then Rock gives him the people’s elbow. Then Rock says that at WrestleMania Cena’s candy ass is going down again. “If ya smeeeeeeell what The Rock is cookin’!” This was really long and really painful!

Chris Jericho vs. Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett. Jericho gets the pin. This was a solid match. Miz was on commentary. He & Wade had words. Then Barrett got in the ring & Jericho gave him a code breaker for the pin. Afterwards Miz walks to the back. Then Jericho says he’d love to savor this win with every Jericholic in the arena but it looks like the guy he will face at WrestleMania is about to make his entrance and he still can’t say his name right but he’s gonna try again. Jericho calls him Fan ding bat, Danny DeVito and other words that have “Fan” in them. Then out come Fandango & his chick. They dance on the stage and then Fandango heads to the ring. Jericho invites him in but Fandango & the chick go back up the ramp and do their shtick. This was kinda weak.

Time for a video package recapping the Triple H-Brock Lesnar angle.

They show an earlier in the day interview that Josh Mathews conducted with Paul Heyman. Josh says on Raw HHH addressed the fans. Heyman’s here because Brock wants it on the record they placed HHH in. It’s a must lose situation for HHH. Heyman says that when they added the stipulation that Triple H’s career will be on the line they weren’t just talking about his career as a wrestler but also as the COO. Heyman then says Brock will crush HHH at Mania and then HHH has to sit behind a desk and watch as 2 guys enter a ring and compete and he no longer can because that option was taken from him. HHH will end up resenting the whole locker room. How can HHH lead the talent when he envies them? Eventually they’ll all rise against HHH. HHH thought he could compete with Heyman intellectually but HHH is no match for him. HHH also thought that he could physically compete with Brock but HHH is no match for Brock Lesnar. This was a good promo from Heyman.   

Booker T & Teddy Long are on the stage. Booker says they’re less than 2 weeks away from Mania. Tonight before their Mania match 2 guys will prove who is the strongest. He Ryback. Then Long brings Mark Henry. Booker says if they violate his no contact clause they’ll be banned from Mania. Long says they flipped a coin backstage to see who would go first. Henry starts. He gets on the bench & Booker says the world’s record is 51 reps. Then Henry lifts the weights 53 times. Booker tells Ryback the floor is his. Ryback gets on the bench and lifts the weights 53 times. He was going for number 54 but Henry chokes Ryback with the barbell. Medics check on Ryback & Henry says that he never put his hands on him.

WWE Tag Team Champion Daniel Bryan & Divas Champion Kaitlyn vs. Dolph Ziggler & AJ Lee. Daniel & Kaitlyn win Kaitlyn pins AJ. This was short but solid.

Time for a Shield promo. Ambrose says WrestleMania is upon us. Rollins calls it the showcase of immortals. Ambrose says that all of the clichés have been heard and that Orton, Sheamus & Big Show came up with the biggest cliché when they said they could put their differences aside to face the common enemy Reigns says they’ll choke on their clichés at Mania. Rollins says that the strength of their purpose is bigger than any of their opponents and that Orton, Sheamus & Big Show don’t stand a chance against The Shield. Reigns says the team will be lucky if it doesn’t implode before Mania. Ambrose says that a viper, a warrior & a giant will not mix. Then Ambrose says that Orton, Sheamus & Show think they can play nice together but this is not a game. This is a story about justice & the final chapter will be written at WrestleMania. Then Reigns says at WrestleMania they will believe. Rollins says believe in The Shield. This was a good promo.

Great Khali, Natalya & Hornswoggle are in the ring. Then out come Jack Swagger & Zeb Coulter. Swagger says what’s in the ring right now is everything wrong with this country. Zeb says he’s reminded of that every time he makes a service call and the person sounds like Khali. When Swagger broke Ricardo’s ankle he broke a bone to bind a country.

Great Khali vs. Jack Swagger. The match goes to a double count out when Swagger locks Khali in the ankle lock on the floor. Then Hornswoggle grabs Swagger’s leg but Swagger no sells. Hornswoggle looks to retreat but Zeb prevents him. Jack & Zeb surround Hornswoggle and then Swagger throws him into the ring barrier. Then Ricardo comes out on a crutch. He asks Swagger who he thinks he’s messing with. Swagger already attacked Ricardo twice. How about Swagger makes a third and takes out Ricardo’s other leg? Ricardo walks down the ramp and as Swagger watches Del Rio sneaks in from behind (No surprise there) and beats on Swagger for a bit. Then Del Rio locks him in the cross arm breaker. Zeb grabs Del Rio’s face and gets Swagger out of that and then Ricardo hits Zeb in the back with the crutch. Then Ricardo tosses the crutch to Del Rio. He swings twice at Swagger but Swagger ducks both shots & rolls out of the ring. He & Zeb head up the ramp as Del Rio screams for Swagger to get back in the ring. The match wasn’t much but I liked that Del Rio & Ricardo finally got one over on Swagger & Zeb.

Time for a look back at the Taker-Punk bit from Monday.

Backstage some new chick named Renee Young interviews Orton, Sheamus & Big Show. She says that a lot of people figured that they would all join together as a team. Time for a look back at this past Monday’s Raw to see how this alliance was officially formed. Then Renee mentions that they have a match at WrestleMania with The Shield. Then she asks how they have been functioning as a group. Orton says they’re doing well; they have a common enemy so nothing else really matters. Then Renee asks if it’s safe to say that Sheamus & Big Show have set aside their differences. Sheamus says absolutely. From now till WrestleMania Big Show knows that he has to be part of this team. So as far as Sheamus is concerned they won’t have any problems. Big Show says that he wasn’t the guy that had the problems in the first place. Sheamus is the guy with the issues. Sheamus says that in fairness the only reason that he had an issue was because he wasn’t sure if he & Orton could trust Big Show. Big Show asks if it’s his problem that Sheamus has issues. Sheamus then says that it kind of is. Then Orton says they gotta focus. They gotta focus tonight because they have a match. Orton asks if they’re good. Sheamus says they’re good. Orton says they’re all on the same page and that’s really bad news for their opponents tonight but even worse news for The Shield. This was decent.

Damien Sandow, Cody Rhodes & Antonio Cesaro come out for their match with Orton, Sheamus & Big Show. Sandow says that unlike this dysfunctional & motley crew they are about to face he, Cody & Cesaro are the quintessential 6 man team. Not only do they have superior intelligence but they all share a mutual distain for ignorance. Cody says that unlike them their opponents have nothing in common. Except that they are common and the 3 of them. The instruments of their downfall. Sandow wants silence. Then Cesaro yodels and then Sandow says, “You’re welcome.”

Randy Orton, Sheamus & Big Show vs. Damien Sandow, Cody Rhodes & U.S. Champion Antonio Cesaro. Orton, Sheamus & Big Show win when Sheamus pins Cody. The faces dominated the lower level heels mostly here. Too bad Sandow, Cody & Cesaro have been pushed down to lower mid card level. Then The Shield’s music plays & they come out through the crowd. Then Orton, Sheamus & Big Show hop over the guard rail & go after The Shield. They brawl in the crowd & up the stairs to the upper level. Then The Shield heads out the door as Orton, Sheamus & Big Show pose in the upper decks while Orton’s music plays to end the show. This was good. I like that they had Orton, Sheamus & Big Show come to The Shield & the brawl in the upper decks was really entertaining.

I thought this was a mixed bag show on the whole. The Rock-Johnny Ace segment was way too long and totally meaningless. The 6 man tag was good & I liked the brawl in the crowed at the end. Jericho-Barrett was solid too. I was ok with the Miz-Barrett stare down but the Jericho-Fandango bit after that match was weak. I liked the Paul Heyman promo too. He was his usual awesome self. The Shield promo was good too and the Orton-Sheamus-Big Show promo was decent too. Khali-Swagger wasn’t much but I was fine with Del Rio & Ricardo getting the better of Swagger & Zeb. The mixed tag was short but decent. I was ok with the Ryback-Mark Henry bench press challenge too & it made sense for Henry to choke Ryback with the weights since he’s a heel. It was impressive to see these guys lift that much. I wasn’t really a fan of Booker & Long though. It looks like they might turn Long heel since he & Booker have had their disagreements the last few weeks. So overall I thought this was a hit & miss show.