7-26-13 Smackdown results and thoughts

Coverage and thoughts on the July 26, 2013 episode of Smackdown

The show starts with Randy Orton coming to the ring for his match with Damien Sandow. Then out comes Damien Sandow. He says good evening to the halfwits of Corpus Christi. Say hello to your uncrowned world champion. Then he demands SIELNECE! He is actually very grateful that the fans have taken time off from cow tipping & watching the bug zapper on the front porch to be enlightened. Behold the intellectual savior of MITB. Behold your uncrowned world champion. You’re welcome.

Randy Orton vs. Damien Sandow. Orton gets the pin. Cody Rhodes came to ringside & took Sandow’s MITB case. That distracted Sandow & then Orton gave Sandow an RKO for the pin. This was a good match. Then Cody goes up the ramp with Sandow’s MITB case.

CM Punk comes to the ring. He says it is official. He got what he wanted. At SummerSlam it will be the best vs. the beast (that’s a great line). Ever since Monday people have been coming up to Punk saying that he fell right in to Paul Heyman’s trap. That’s exactly what Heyman thinks & that’s what he wants the fans to think & it kinda surprises Punk. Punk knows Heyman. For 8 years Heyman wasn’t just his best friend, he was also Punk’s mentor. Heyman taught Punk a lot about being the dirtiest player in the game. Heyman told Punk you don’t just exploit your enemy’s weakness, you target it & you hit over & over till there is nothing left.   That’s just what Punk will do to Lesnar at SummerSlam. Punk considers himself a little bit of an expert on exactly what Brock’s biggest weakness is because it also used to be Punk’s biggest weakness. Brock’s weakness is the fact that he trusts Paul Heyman. Punk says that will be Brock’s downfall. Then Punk says that Heyman’s biggest weakness has & always will be his ego. Punk’s not gonna pretend that Heyman never stuck his neck out for him when nobody else would. He isn’t gonna pretend that Heyman didn’t help him get to WWE but Punk has been beating himself up for weeks because he finally realizes that Heyman didn’t do it for Punk, Heyman did it for himself. Heyman saw a kid who would be successful no matter what & Heyman put his stamp of approval on Punk so that he could tell everybody that he made Punk. Last Monday Heyman called Punk a thoroughbred & that is all that Punk has ever been to Heyman. Punk was just another horse in the race. Heyman wanted 2 horses in the race. He always wanted the best vs. the beast & he somehow thought that he would manage to be in both corners. Punk then says that Heyman wanted everything & at SummerSlam Punk will take everything from him. Punk will handle everything that Brock has to dish out & then he will stand up & will look Brock in the eye & then he will kick him in the face over & over till Brock is an unrecognizable pile of failure. Then he has a little something lined up for his “best friend”. Then Fandango’s music plays & he & Summer Rae come out. Fandango gets in the ring & then Punk hits him in the head with the mic. Then he knees Fandango in the mid section a few times & then he gives him the GTS. Punk was great on the mic like always here. I’m not sure why they had Fandango come out but Punk giving him the GTS for cutting him off made sense.

Mark Henry & The Usos vs. Wade Barrett & The Primetime Players. Henry & The Usos win when Henry pins Titus. This was a decent match.

Vickie is in the GM office on her cell phone (They always have the GM on the phone at the start of these bits). She says that Long got what he deserved. Then Alberto Del Rio comes in. He congratulates Vickie on being the Smackdown GM. Vickie asks Del Rio what she can do for him. Del Rio says that Vickie has him in a match tonight with RVD so she owes him. She asks what makes him think that. Del Rio says that on Raw Brad Maddox let Cena pick his opponent for SummerSlam so he figures that since he is the World Champion he should be allowed to do the same. Vickie gives Del Rio a week to think about it. Then RVD comes in. He tells Del Rio that the answer is obvious. Rob Van Dam. Del Rio asks if RVD thinks that he can just return & face the World Champion. Del Rio says that RVD can earn it tonight. RVD likes the idea.

Then we see Damien Sandow. He asks where Cody is. Of course no one has seen him. Then he goes up to Sin Cara & asks if he’s seen Cody. He mentions that Cody has his MITB case. Cara nods & Sandow asks which way Cody went. Does Cara understand anything Sandow is saying? Cara nods & Sandow thanks him for wasting his time. Then he continues to walk around backstage & shouts if anybody has seen Cody.

Rob Van Dam vs. World Champion Alberto Del Rio. Del Rio gets the pin. This was a short match. Del Rio was in the corner complaining in Spanish. The referee told him to speak English & asked Del Rio if he wanted to quit. RVD tried to pull Del Rio out of the corner. The referee stopped him & then Del Rio gave RVD a super kick for the out of nowhere pin. WINNER – ALBERTO DEL RIO.

Back to Sandow asking random people if they’ve seen Cody. They haven’t & Sandow says they’re useless. Then he runs into Booker T & Mark Henry. He knows that Mark is looking for The Shield but he is looking for his briefcase that Cody took. Sandow asks if Henry or Booker have seen Cody or his case. Booker says you’re kidding & Sandow says no. Booker asks Henry if he’s seen Cody. Henry tells Sandow that he hasn’t. Booker tells Sandow to take it easy. Then Mark says that Cody is a thief. Booker can’t stand a thief. Sandow says that Booker has to know what’s going on because he is the GM; at least he used to be. Then Booker does the “tell me you didn’t just say that” bit. Henry tells Booker to let it go. Then Sandow walks off. This was a decent bit.

AJ Lee & Big E Langston come to the ring. She is out here to clear the air. For everyone who thinks that she is a nudge away from a complete mental breakdown because of her former best friend Kaitlyn or because she recently had her good hearted caring noble actions misinterpreted & wound up having her heart ripped from her chest, thrown on the floor & stomped on to oblivion…by that heartless cold blooded selfish jerk son of a…Dolph Ziggler. If the fans think she’s on the verge of a breakdown after all that they’d me mistaken. She is fine because she has the Divas title. She is the Divas champion. She will forever be the savior of the Divas division & the title is never leaving her. To show the fans how fine she is she takes out a set of keys. They’re the keys to Dolph’s home. She remembers the day that he gave her this copy set. She was gonna use them to break in & burn everything to the ground but she is ready to let go of those. Then Dolph comes out. He asks AJ if thinks he hasn’t passed out thousands of those keys before. Dolph rode that crazy train long enough & the locks have changed a couple of times since AJ. Then AJ sarcastically goes, “awe puddin” (I guess she’s Harley Quinn now). Then she says that Dolph has always been pretty but has never been the smart 1 in their relationship. Then Big E brings in Dolph’s suitcase. Dolph asks if her “totally normal” plan has come to steeling from him. Dolph then says that everything in the ring right now is totally replaceable. Then she opens the suitcase & takes out a set of scissors. Dolph says she’s not supposed to run with scissors & shouldn’t have them in her mouth. Then she takes out what looks like his wallet. Then she says that it’s gonna be pretty hard to walk around without his driver’s license. Se cuts it up. Dolph says a day at the DMV would be like a picnic compared to anything with AJ including a real picnic. Dolph then asks if that’s all she has. Then she takes out his pas port & says it will be hard to go the overseas tours without that. Dolph says there’s a pass port agency that is 2 blocks from his house & the girl there knows his name & she owes him a favor. He was gonna say what but then says it isn’t PG. Dolph can replace the pass port too. Then AJ says that will be really hard for Dolph to get all the ladies without his cash. Dolph says that ripping up his money is just being wasteful. In this economy she shouldn’t be throwing money around like that. She throws the cash away & Dolph says that might be littering in Texas. Then AJ takes out a credit card, says that Dolph probably wants that & then cuts that up too. Dolph says who uses those & AJ is losing him here. Dolph has cash in his pocket right now & he doesn’t even have pockets (That was lame & this whole segment is terrible). Then the fans chant you’re a psycho at AJ. AJ says that she is fine. Dolph tells her those aren’t voices in her head (Randy Orton hears those) those are the real fans. Then she opens up another part of the bag & tosses some clothes out. Dolph says those were expensive & that AJ bought him those. Then she takes out a t-shirt & Dolph says he used that to clean his kneepad off at the end of the night. Then AJ screams & takes more stuff out of the bag & throws it. Dolph says it will take a long time to fold all of that stuff up. AJ is really losing it out here. A lot of bags look alike, that could be anybody’s stuff. AJ continues to flip out & Dolph tells her to keep throwing stuff around. She throws the bag out of the ring. Dolph says that no one even cares anymore (I agree with that. I stopped caring about this awhile ago). Then the fans give AJ another you’re a psycho chant & Dolph agrees. Then she shoves Big E & Dolph tells her to listen to the fans & that she has lost it. Then she rolls out of the ring. Dolph doesn’t know why she’s doing this. Then Dolph tells AJ to watch out. Then AJ turns around & gets a spear from Kaitlyn. Then Dolph gives Big E a famasser. This segment was long & painful! They had AJ throw stuff out of a bag all that time & Dolph taunting her & that lead to her getting a spear from Kaitlyn. Did they really have to go through all that crap to set up a spear & a famasser!? I guess we’ll be getting Dolph & Kaitlyn vs. Big E & AJ in a mixed tag at SummerSlam.   

Time for a look back at the start of the build to the Cena-Bryan SummerSlam match.

Tons of Funk vs. Luke Harper & Eric Rowan. Harper & Rowan win when Rowan pins Sweet T. This was a squash. Then Bray Wyatt gets in the. Harper & Rowan hold Sweet T. Bray tells Sweet T this is not his fault. Then Bray sets Sweet T up for his finisher, kisses him on the head & then gives him Sister Abigail.

Then Bray gets the mic & says that he suspects Kane will be looking for him. That’s alright because Bray has never been too hard to find. Actually if Kane needs him he will be right here with all of his fans. They’ve been waiting for Kane. Then Bray gets on his knees, kneels over Sweet T & says that always been waiting for Kane. Then Bray says to look to the sky & follow the buzzards. Good promo from Bray.

Back to Vickie in the GM office. This time she’s texting. Then Sandow storms in& wants Vickie to tell him that she’s seen Cody. He’s looked all over this filthy arena & Cody is nowhere to be found. He stole Sandow’s briefcase. Vickie is aware of that. She hasn’t seen Cody. She tells him that everything will be fine. She’s contacted the cops & she tells Sandow to give it time. Sandow says that is unacceptable. He doesn’t have time. He will find his briefcase & he will find it tonight. Then he walks out of the office & screams off camera if anybody’s seen Cody. This was a decent bit.

Christian comes to the ring for his match. Then out come Zeb & Swagger. Zeb has a question for the fans. Where are they tonight? Coming to Corpus Christi he had to drive though Northern Mexico to get there & he ran into an inspection station. Like a good American he was perfectly willing to have his car searched but when they agent came to look he looked Zeb dead in the eyes & said, “No need to search you Mr. Coulter because you’re a Real American (dude) & I agree 100 % that we need to stop these people from sneaking across our boarders.” Zeb says that the guy said that we need more people in this country like Zeb & Swagger. Just as that guy told the truth, tonight Zeb will tell 2 truths. Zeb wants America back & Christian has overstayed his welcome just a little too much. Then he tells the fans to rise, place their hands over their hearts & say We The People. I am really tired of these anti foreigner promos! This gimmick has gotten way beyond old!

Christian vs. Jack Swagger. Christian gets the pin. This was a solid match.

Then Damien Sandow’s music plays & he comes out. He wants all the fans to know that he is issuing a warrant the second the cops arrive. He demands that Cody be arrested for grand larceny. Then he demands that Vickie fire Cody because he is a thief. There’s nothing worse than a thief in the locker room. He pleads for someone to do something about this. Then Cody shows up on the Tron. He knows that Sandow is frantic & despondent & has been looking throughout the whole arena for his briefcase. Cody’s not in the arena. He is standing right in front of the Gulf of Mexico. If Sandow wants his case Cody will hand it to him. Sandow just has to come get it. Cody will wait right there. Then Sandow storms up the ramp to the back. Then we see Sandow backstage headed for the Gulf. Break time.

Back from break & Sandow storms out of the arena. He crosses the street & tells some nit wit to stop. Then he sees Cody by the water with the case & for some reason he pleads with Cody not to throw it in the water. Then Sandow heads over to where Cody is & tells Cody not to do anything stupid. Then Sandow finally gets to where Cody’s standing. Then Sandow says they’re best friends, they’re a tag team. Sandow then says that during their time as Team Rhodes Scholars Cody carried him. Cody was the leader. Cody asks if that is all. Sandow then says that Cody is smarter than he is. Sandow learned so much from Cody. Then he pleads with Cody to forgive him & says that Cody has better facial hair & is way more handsome than Sandow. Cody says that’s more like it & tells Sandow say that 1 more time. Sandow shouts it this time. Then Cody tells Sandow that he has earned this. Then he finally throws it into the water. Sandow screams as he sees his case floating. Cody then wishes “The Little Mermaid” luck & hopes that briefcase can float (which it is). Cody leaves & Sandow shouts for help because he can’t swim. Then Sandow jumps in the water & gets close to the case but it’s just out of his reach. Then after being in the water for a bit he finally climbs out. Sandow lies by the water all wet & breaks down to end the show. This was idiotic.

I thought this week’s show dragged on for the most part. I liked the Orton-Sandow match & Cody coming out & taking the case was ok too but the segment with Cody & Sandow at the end was stupid. Christian & Swagger had a solid match. Tons of Funk vs. Harper & Rowan was a squash & Bray’s post match promo was good. The 6 man tag was solid, the RVD-Del Rio match was a bit short & the finish came out of nowhere. The Dolph-AJ bit was long & painful! It looks like we’ll be getting a mixed tag for SummerSlam but that segment was beyond terrible! Punk cut a good promo as usual. I have no idea why they had Fandango come out & cut Punk off but Punk giving him the GTS was ok. Overall though I really thought that this week’s show dragged on too long.